Sunday 11/7/10

Dear Journal,

I usually don't write before church but because something happened and I'm trying to get into the habit of not telling people all of my business. So I feel more comfortable writing it down. So you know I decided to leave Ed alone and my friend Bey invited me over to her house. She knows I don't drink and so all I had was a sprite and some dip. Towards the end of the night her sister opened a bottle of Moscato. She asked me to try it so I had a very little bit. It was OK. Nothing to write home about. Later her uncle asked everyone to take a bday shot. I noticed someone gave me one too and she was like just drink it. I did. I almost gagged. It was sooo nasty. While there I almost contemplated starting to go back to the club and occasionally drinking like I used too. Eddie sent me a text and I responded. I also told him about the drinks. When I awoke this morning her wrote me a long mssg about how I needed to just be myself and not try to change to be like him.

M: this girl from work had me takin shots. It was soo nasty I almost gagged

E: don't go out and drink because I said we were different. Maybe I'm trying to be like you not wanting you to be like me if that makes any sense. Just be yourself.

( I wanted to curl up and go in a hole because I felt so stupid)

At first glance I was smiling because it meant that he liked my traits and was even considering making a change. At second glance I was a little taken aback because he thought I was trying to be like him. It made me think. Am I trying to be like him? I do remember a few things I did ask others who are similar to me. I asked Renee how old was she when she stopped clubbing. When she said about 29. I did think about possibly going back. Then I asked Ti about clubbing. He said he still went and he just didn't' drink and grind on women. So maybe unconsciously I was tyring to be more like Eddie. So after writing this I feel a little better. I don't like alcohol that much. I do like sour apple martinis and amaretto sours but that's about it. I don't like clubs because its the same thing just a different day. Oh well, I'm going toput a stop to this whole thing and just chill with the questions and the exploring of the other side. So maybe Eddie helped me out more than he knows.

Thanks.