Saturday 10/30/10

Dear Journal,

I didn't get to write on Thursday or Friday. I was extreeeemly busy. Between getting everything ready for the trip and actually driving, I was exhausted. So now that I have a few minutes of quite time, I decided to write. I've been having issues with Eddie. Not issues that he knows about. It's mostly internal. I've been secretly cursing him (not with profanity) and then on the drive up here, I heard Joyce Meyer say something so profound. It's amazing how God uses old books, tapes, the Bible and even a conversation to speak to you. Well, she said that we need to be God pleasers and not people pleasers. That part didn't really stick out until she said that we as people are so used to running to others when we need something or someone to talk to and even when someone is bothering use we run to complain and/or gossip. She said if your sad or feel uneasy about a situation just run to God. He'll be able to help you better than the other person will anyway. People are human, therefore, they will disappoint. God on the other hand is not human so he won't disappoint you. So basically you could save yourself a lot of headache if you just run to God for everything and not man. That hit home because whenever I drive home from work I'm always searching for someone I can talk to not even realizing that God is right there and he is always available for me to talk to. Eddie may not have intentionally ignored me, I basically set him up. I tested him and he didn't know he was being tested. Whether our friendship will last is not as important as me learning how to treat him and others.

Confessions: Lord, please forgive me for looking over you and not acknowledging you in various situations. I know that you want to be apart of every aspect of my life and I am not allowing you to. Lord, I need you in my life. I need regular communication and communion with you. I confess my lack of faithfulness in seeking you. Make my hunger for you so great that my only response can be falling on my knees before you. In Jesus name I pray.

Amen

My priority in life should be God, family, church, (work*, friends*).

*not quite sure about this order.

Wednesday 10/27/10

Dear Journal,

Today I gave up. I did. I was frustrated almost to the point of no return and I took a vacation. The yelling, the fighting, the crying, the talking, the interruptions, the lack of memory. It all became too much. I couldn't take it. I felt like SCREAMING. Thankfully the day progressed and once they got on the buses I felt 100% better. Sad. I know. It'll get better. I keep saying, it seems bad now so that means it will get better. So that gives me something to look forward to.

Questions: What to do when your frustrated and you have no break? How can you release? How do I cope? Is this a test? Am I failing miserably?

Prayer: Lord, you endure a lot of pain and hurt when you were here on earth. You took it all in stride. Nothing that I endure can ever measure up to the day that you shed your blood for me. It gives me hope in knowing that you went through it and it turned out for the best. It may not seem like it while you're going through, but by Sunday when you arose, it was all worth it. Thank you God for sending your son, my example, and friend. Help me to remember that you are always with me and I can do ALL things through you. I love you.

Amen

Tuesday 10/26/10

Dear Journal,

Today was rather____. All day I felt like I needed to catch my breath. I felt so hurried and rushed. 2 students decided that they wanted to go above and beyond to be disruptive and rude. 1 blatantly disregarded my request and the other pushed me. Granted it did not hurt but really? Lord, I'm not 100% sure why you let me experience this job, but its getting easier and easier to want to walk away from it all. I said that I was going to approach this year with the mentaility that I am here on a mission from you. I know that there are accounts in the Bible where you were mistreated and I do not know how you dealt with this mess. I need guidance with a capital G. I dislike this type of treatment, but I do not know what to do. Everytime it happens I feel helpless and confused. Unsure of what to do next. OAN: She_(Tasha)________. I can't stand talking to her sometimes. Hence the reason why I only call her when I need something which is very rare. I prefer to just find an alternative solution. Uuggggghhhhhh!!!!!

Question: What do I do when things are going wrong? How do I move from being helpless to powerful? What do I do with this kids and their behavior? How should I react?

Prayer: Thank you Lord for being my example. Thank you for coming to earth and giving us a second chance at life. Help me to be more like you during my stay. Help me to be more loving, kind, caring, and strong. In Jesus name.

Amen

Monday 10/25/10

Dear Journal,

Today was a pretty good day. I went to bed early last night and surprisingly I still was sleepy when the alarm rang. Anyway, work was blah. Nothing exciting. Just the same old students misbehaving and me correcting. I guess things will get better when my attitude changes but I feel like I need a push or a dose of hope or something to get me right. I would write a lot more but its already 9pm and I need to get into bed. 2 things I want to touch on if I get the opportunity on tomorrow. 1st. Eddie. That's a ____. I don't even know what to say about this situation. I almost feel about that how I feel about my job. Blah. 2nd is Pilates. Now that is what I am excited about. I am anticipating the moment when I return on Thursday. Woohoo. My abs and legs are on burning. (The good kind of burn.)

Questions: Why am I here? Is this the end of me and Rodney or is this just a lull that we need to push through? How do I get pumped up about my job?

Prayer: Lord thank you for waking me up this morning. Thank you for my job. Thank you for providing for me and keeping watch over me. Forgive me father for the things that I have said and/or thought. Help me to display more Christ like behavior in every area of my life. I pray for my friendship with Eddie. I pray that you will show me what I need to do. Thank you for your love and grace.

Amen

Sunday 10/24/10

Dear Journal,

This is my first official entry. Guess what happened today? Well I said 4 awful words. I've never uttered these words before and I'm not sure where they come from. They just shot out of my mouth like a cannon. I said "I hate my life". So I think it would be fitting to explain the events that may have caused this to happen so my future self will be able to remember. I work in a career that doesn't satisfy me. I go to work everyday mostly because I signed a contract that said I would and because I figured unless God tells me otherwise I better go and try to make the best of it. Well I went to my sis this weekend to babysit. I attended her church and it happened to be the final day for the pastor's anniversary celebration. After hearing all of the wonderful things prophesied over this man's life, I realized I had no idea what my life should look like. Granted I am overall thankful to be in the land of the living, but without purpose I feel as if I am just flopping around like a fish out of water. This week I've been listening to Joel Osteen's book "It's Your Time" and he said that God blesses us when we are where we are supposed to be. Now he did say that he still believes God will bless you regardless but we need to be at our right place. He used animals as an example. Such as a shark wouldn't be in a river or a polar bear in Hawaii. I just had a thought about a book we read for work. In it the author used a bus as an analogy. He stated that leaders need to put the right people in the right seat on the bus in order for it to work.


Questions: Where do I belong? What seat should I take? What's my next move?


I know that every question I ask or pray about won't be answered as quick as I would hope but as of today these are 3 of the questions that I have.

Prayer: Lord, I know that you are a wonderful and mighty God. I love my life because I am yours. You created me to be like you and to say that I hate my life reflects negatively upon you. Lord, I am sorry for sinning against you. I pray that you will grant me mercy and open my eyes to the wonderful aspects of my life. Help me not to compare or be jealous if my life does not mirror someone elses. Help me to be grateful for what I have and anticipate and expect more greatness from you. Thank you Lord for my life and everyone and everything in it.

Amen