Monday 11/29/10

Dear Journal,

Guess what? I read Psalm 37 today and Matthew 6:33. I learned a lot from Psalm. It gave me peace. I felt better about that fact that I shouldn't be worried about what the wicked are doing or that fact that they seem to be doing so well. I shouldn't fret because the time will come when the tides will change. This is their 'so called' day and pretty soon it will be mine. But if I trust in God and do it his way I won't have any regrets nor will I feel bad about the choices/decisions I make. A funny thing happened while I was trying to look up some info on the Internet. My computer went to facebook and the first thing on my homepage was Eddie professing his love for Erica. Really? WITW (what in the world). At first thought I was upset. Then I remembered Psalm 37:8 said "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it only leads to evil." Thank you Lord for that reminder. Instead of being upset I'm going to be thankful because that could of been me jumping from one relationship to the next in less than a month. How in the world is that possible. I have two possible explanations: 1. he didn't really like me. (which is odd cuz he stayed with me for 10 months). 2. He is using her to get over me or maybe 3. He knows I probably see his fbook statuses and he's trying to hurt me. Either way. The Lord knows the truth and I'm going to trust and depend on him to see me through this temporary situation. Hey he wins in the end anyway. So since I already know the ending, I'm straight.

Dear God,

Thank you for victory. Thank you for defeat. Thank you for singleness. During this period of singleness, I am able to get to know you. To figure out your purpose for my life and fulfill it. During this time I am able to devote my entire heart and soul to you. I have no one vying for my attention. I pray for those in and out of my life who use relationships with the opposite sex to complete them and make them happy. They will never be happy. I pray that one day they will find what they need in you. In Jesus name I pray.

Amen

edit: I wrote to life dictionary about what I saw on fbook. I'm going to include the ? and response.

I met this guy. We dated up until about a month ago. He broke up with me b/c I'm not having sex and he wanted sex. I told him I wasn't when we met. Now he's on facebook professing his love for another girl. I'm so hurt. I don't know what to do.

You should be happy you saved your self a horrible heartbreak. This guy was gonna try to use you and him walking out of your made you see his true colors. Don't focus on him hun, he wanted sex. Keep being pure, you'll find a man who appreciate that and your husband would be so grateful.

Saturday 11/27/10

Dear Journal,

My fast starts tomorrow. I'm so excited and nervous about what God is going to reveal to me. I chose 3 specific things to ask him about. My job, my living arrangements, and Eddie.

My Job

-Almost anyone who knows me knows that I am not head over heels in love with my profession nor location. I am however trying to learn to be open to the possibility that this is where and/or what I will be doing. So I guess I'm trying to find out what is my purpose career wise.

My Living Arrangements

-We all know that I am currently a single, 27 year old female who lives at home. I know sad. SMH. I really thought I would be out of SC and on my own by now, but I'm not. So I'm trying to find out if and when I get to move and where. Am I moving down the street, across town, another state or across country. *shrugs shoulders*

Eddie

-Anyone who knows me knows that Eddie is a pseudonym. I learned that word in 8th grade on the pre exit exam. Whoo Hoo. Anyway, there are moments when I feel like being with him is holding me back and keeping me from my destiny. Shucks, who needs dead weight that you have to carry. I need people who are moving forward and trying to progress like me. Then there are moments when I feel sad because I see so much potential in this young man and I know that he possess deep within everything that he needs to be the best husband, father, man, and servant he could be. It just saddens my heart to know that he could be throwing it all away because of self indulgences. So, I wanna know if its time to cut him lose forever (like a life time) or for a brief time (until God has a chance to work on both of us as individuals. ) I need some work too.

Those are my three main things that I want to ask God during this time. But I am still going to allow myself to be open to the things that he wants to address. He might have a new and different game plan for my fast. So I have to be obedient to his direction. I'm sick of allowing the enemy to steal my joy day after day. I'm ready to do something about it. Put my foot to the plow and not look back.

Dear God,

As I approach this time of fasting and praying, I want to say thank you. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to seek you and learn from you. I want you to open my heart, my mind, and soul and let nothing hinder me from serving and seeking you. I love you and I don't always do right by you and I ask for your forgiveness this day. Help me to see the good in this mess/test so I can have a message/testimony that will be a lamp to those around me. Help me to not be anxious about my future (getting married, having children) but be patient no matter what. Thank you Lord. In Jesus name,

Amen

Friday 11/26/10

Dear Journal,

I'm back again. Unfortunately with some not so great news. :) I want Eddie. So sad I know. One minute I don't want him in my life at all. The next I only want to be his friend. Then I want him. I'm so indecisive at times. Typical me. SMH. I feel like I just one the Lord to just tell me flat out. No he's not the one or yes he is. The only thing about that is...if he tells me he is not the one then I'll probably be dragging around mopping wondering why and when is the one coming. Or if he is I'd probably be harassing his nerve until he wants me back again. So...I don't know what to do. My heart aches like crazy. The prospects in this town are ultra slim. Before Eddie I hadn't met a guy in 5 years. (crying) To some its no big deal but to me its like where the heck do guys go and how the heck do I get their attention. I can't find them at my church. Mostly because everyone there is family and people barely come to our church from other places. Anyway, Titus and Tarrence have been trying to pursue me but I have to be honest. I'm not really feeling Titus. I'm not attracted to him nor do I enjoy talking to him on a level beyond friendship. As far as Tarrence goes, I'm not feelin the whole he has a child and he probably still a player like in high school. Main reason why I don't want to date anyone from Cross is because all I know is their high school version of themselves. Beyond that I don't know them so I can't say yeah I wanna be with you. There is a lot of your life I wasn't around for.

Anyway back to Eddie. Eddie and I are opposites in a lot of things. Most people see that as a accident waiting to happen. I on the other hand embrace the differences because it means I get a new perspective on how to approach life. I've always felt that the main things need to be the same, the rest not so much. Especially if both parties are willing to be open to new ideas and possibilities. Eddie is the first guy that I've been this "sprung" over (couldn't think of another word). I almost want a sneak peak into my future. Just to see who I ended up marrying and whether we were happy. I look at my cousins who are around my age and I see how the wife feels and I don't want to be like that. I love my cousin but I don't think he realizes how to be a husband. Especially since he hasn't had a good role model for a dad. All I can do is pray for their marriage. Pray that he realizes he is married and therefore he can not do what his single brother does.

OAN: This past Wed. we took family pics. It was a horrible experience for me. I felt out of place. (only single one) and no one acknowledged me basically the whole day. I felt more comfortable once I got around Lavette, Shantel, Kaliece and Sam. It's like I'm closer to them than my own family. I told Eddie I was going to run away. He said y? I told him about how I felt and he said oh? A man of so few words. SMH

I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish we could kiss and make up. :( In a fiction world we could. Just hug and kiss and then it would all be over. Can we just do that?

I need a explicit word. One that says yes or no. If it's yes, then I need some explanation of what I need to do until. If it's no, then I need some explanation of what I need to do until.

Dear Lord,

I know that you don't always tell us things. You hold back especially if you don't think we are ready and we might just mess it up. You know how my heart is feeling. I don't know what to do. Stay or move on. If you want me to move on. I need your help. Like I need it asap. I need to know that it's over and you are going to take all the pain away instantly and I'm not gonna think about him. It'll be like it never happened. I don't want be old (by my standards) living at home, working in the same job, and husband/childless. I'm so afraid because I don't know what to do. This is so so so so hard. Please help me.

In Jesus Name,

Amen.

Monday 11/22/10

Dear Journal,

The one thing I like about journaling in a notebook is that you can flip the pages and see what you wrote previously. It's not that simple when your writing on a blog. Anyway, I had a moment of reflection and shall I say 'backwardsness'. I know it's not really a word. I started to reflect on us and what we had and then started to get angry about the fact that I think I know who he is dating. (bad mistake...fbook is EVIL) lol. So, I read what I posted on Saturday and it spoke to me. I'm feeling a little better. I know that this is a journey and it will get easier as time progresses. I read in this book about how we get ahead of ourselves. If we were in a room and someone asked anyone who gets ahead of themselves to stand. I'd probably be the first one to jump up. Lol. Here I was dreaming about our future, our kids, our future jobs, where we would live, what our wedding would be like, me and his sister and mom hanging out. Yeah I know I had it bad. I bet he probably never thought of that. It's just like a girl whose been single for so long to get over excited when she finally meets someone. That's why it hurts. I realized when I broke up with Unspoken (lol, inside joke). I never dreamed of a future with us. For us it was mostly physical. I was yearning for the opportunity to have him want me and he never really showed me other than sexually that he desired to be with me. So basically, I never dreamed because there was nothing there to build a dream on. Well, it is the total opposite with Eddie and I. He helped to open the door of getting ahead of myself. He would tell me how he couldn't wait for me to be all his, he would rub my belly and talk about our future kids, he would say how blessed he was to be with me (now that I can agree with. :) ). He showed that he wanted all of me, mind, and body. Unfortunately, what we had was a failure to communicate and be absolutely honest. I believe that there are modern day Boazs but I also know that perfection is not going to be there. What I'd prefer to focus on is a man's character. Good looks are fine, having manners are great, but I need longevity, I need a guy who wants me bad enough that he will control his sexual desires because he knows it would be worth it in the end. Although my head knows it and my heart wants so bad to believe it. It still hurts occasionally because I really opened my heart to him. This is exactly why God tells us to guard our heart. I had the right intentions though. When we started dating I would pray for our friendship, but I apparently wasn't praying the right prayer and/or listening to the response because I got hurt anyway. Shucks. Well, I just told him that I don't think I can be his friend and he said the worst thing you could tell someone. He said okay. Really. Talk about a stab, puncture wound. To me that says ok I don't care any way, I have someone else sooo. Holla. (SCREAMING VERY LOUDLY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH)

Dear Lord, Help me.

In Jesus name,

Amen

Saturday 11/20/10

Dear Journal,

Eddie and I had a long hashing out that lasted until the wee hours of the a.m. and continued early this morning. It was horrible and beneficial. I saw so much. I saw him for who he was and I saw who I'd been running from within myself. We decided around 9:30ish this morning to work on our friendship and see where it will lead since he has currently put himself back on the market. Funny thing is around noon, I had a revelation. I no longer needed, yearned nor wanted Eddie. He mentioned how something I did turned him off and I realized the same thing just happened for me. Back in 2008 I made a list of what I wanted in a mate. I was specific. Then I edited it. It was still specific just trimmed down a bit. Then I edited it again. It basically gave God free reign to pick whomever he wanted for me. After dating Eddie, I think I can finally make that list. I have a better understanding of my flaws and what I do and do not want to put up with. So here goes.

Qualities of My Future Mate aka my Boaz

• Godly Character

-saying that you love God, that you go to church, and that you read your Bible is not enough for me. I need a man that desires the will of God in every aspect of his live and lives that way. He doesn't have to speak. He smells of Godliness.

• Humble

-my mate must be willing to be corrected and lead by the Holy Spirit. He must work hard at giving his weaknesses to God.

• Strong

-my future Boaz is strong physically because he takes care of the body that God loaned him. He is strong mentally because he reads the word daily and communes with God. He is strong spiritually because when setbacks arise he recognizes that they are in place to help him grow in is faith.

• Family Man

-A man who loves his family treats them with the utmost respect. He honors the elders and acts as a positive role model for the younger generation. He wants a family of his own that he can love and teach about God.

• Enjoys Life

-I want a man that has hobbies and interests and wants to explore the different things that life has to offer. The arts, sports, nature, etc. He wants to enjoy the various forms of entertainment that God has placed here for our enjoyment.

• Supportive

-This last one is very dear to me. I want a man that is supportive of my walk with God. I want someone who is pushing me closer to God. Someone who wants me to develop my walk, wants me to prosper, wants me to possess Godly characteristics and be his help meet.

At this time I can say that Eddie is not my Boaz. He does not possess any of these qualities. That's why I know its time to let him go. My prayer for him is that one day he will be a Boaz-like man. He will be that rare gem that a Godly woman will be able to say his her husband. Only he and God can determine if that will ever happen. God said in Jeremiah 29:11 that he has a plan for my future and that it is a plan of prosperity not of harm. I saw this scripture over and over and over on either Wednesday or Thursday. That's when I knew that I needed to bounce back because God has work for me to do. He has started a good work in me and he needs to finish. This life that He has given me here is temporary, but that does not mean I can't enjoy every minute that I have here. Life can be difficult when you go at it alone. I have a heavenly Father that is willing to do it with me. I'm never alone and I thank him for my future mate. I pray that he is developing his relationship with God at this very moment. I pray that he is surrounded by goodness and that he is making his way to me. (Yeah!!!!). Until the day when I paths cross I will wait patiently and do the work that God has for me.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

Monday 11/14/10 Part II

Dear Journal,

I know you're probably wondering why in the world am I writing another post today. My first post was about something that I felt needed to be addressed solo. This post may or may not be as long, but it is just something I need to get off my chest and on "paper". The last time I wrote about Eddie I basically bashed him for not wanting to be with me because of sex. That idea came to mind because

1. Eddie said we were different. When I asked how, he said you don't believe in sex before marriage.

2. Bruce said there is no way in the world that Eddie is at the gym 4 hrs a day he's with some girl

Well, the joke was on me because I did a drive by and guess where I found Eddie? At the gym. He was there the whole time. (SMH)

The whole time when I was contemplating who to call about Eddie, I kept hearing the scripture "Seek Wise Counsel". Silly me. I should have went to God with my concerns and let him talk to me because I was becoming physically sick thinking about what he was doing with another woman. I was worrying for no reason.

So I thought after that I would have been ok. Wrong! Eddie and I don't speak on the phone anymore nor do we see each other and many times I have to text him first and we may only say one thing to each other all day. Well this got my mind all in a jumble AGAIN. Here's what happened:

Eddie didn't respond to my text response. I finally texted him b4 bed. (not exact)

Me: u left yet

E: no just leaving the movies. leavin at 6:30am

M: what did you see

E: 4 colored girls

M: o. how was it

E: ok. a lot of male bashing. lol

M: can I ask a ? that's none of my business

E: lol yes

M: who did u go with (me thinking he went on a d8 cuz wat guy goes to c that)

E: u really want an answer

M: yep (thinking o Lord let me brace myself)

E: people from work we went after work

M: (I go into an explanation about liking him and not wanting him to be with anyone else)

E: fat head. I'm not with ne1. My heart's still with you I'm just trying to find myself

What is wrong with me? Idk. Do you know that a few times during our conversations about our break I felt two things. 1. If you let him go I can work on him 2. Do you want him the way he is now or once I work on him. (these aren't exact) But basically I realized that Eddie and I work. We are attracted to one another, we have fun together, but we both have a lot of work as individuals. You don't get into a relationship if you're not whole expecting to become whole as time goes on. You have to be two wholes, not two halves. I can not fault Eddie for wanting to be whole. It actually made me realize how unwhole I really was. Will Eddie and I be together together in the future. I don't know. I hope so, but I'm willing to let God be in charge of that. Right now we are friends and though at times it is difficult. I know that it will be easier and it might actually help our bond by stripping away the romantic part and focusing on developing a deep friendship relationship. I said in the last post that I was letting go and sometimes we have to show God that no relationship with a person, job, or thing is more important than him. If we are able to let go we show him that and he will bless us beyond our imaginations.

Prayer: Dear God, although it is hard to give up things, and people we hold dear we know that it will benefit us in the end. Help us to remember the parable about the rich man who did not sell all of his possessions. Help us to not be like him. Help us to give up whatever you need us to. Give us the strength and the mind to do it. All this I ask in Jesus name.

Amen

edited on 11/20/10: Eddie did admit that it was about Sex. He stated that he can't wait until marriage to have sex. He's basically "horny" and felt like there were only to options. 1. cheat on me or 2. leave me. He chose the later. Yet he still wants to remain friends. Not really sure about that. Read my 11/20 post to see what I decided to do.

Monday 11/14/10 Part I

Dear Journal,

It's been a while. Well, more like a week. I just haven't been in the mood to write and have I write I usually realize that what I said before was more of a rant, but it's a way to get how I'm feeling at that moment off my chest without hurting anyone and hopefully making me feel 100% better. I stated a while back that my life sux but I think I've found the root of my problem. It's not my life that sux it's my attitude. I just finished reading He Still Moves Stones and I read the chapter about Mary and Martha. In this chapter it talks about the 10th chapter of Luke, when Mary and Martha invited Jesus over for dinner. Martha was upset because she was doing everything and Mary was sitting at Jesus' feet doing nothing. That's when Jesus basically told her in 41-42 verses that she is concerned with the wrong things and Mary has made the better choice and He won't take that from her. I'm like Martha sometimes. I feel like I'm doing so much and yet I see nothing happening. Here Mary is just sitting there and she gets a pat on the back. But is it really everybody else's fault that I'm miserable. Is it thier fault that I don't see growth in my spiritual, physical, work, and social life. Let me think about it....NO. It's my own fault. No one told me that I had to be in control of every aspect of my life and that I had to live this life full of order and mapped out. I chose that life. And you know what...It sux. I would probably be more happy if I would loosen up a bit. That doesn't mean that I let others run over me or that I do bad/evil things. It just means I would probably benefit from just letting God drive from now on. I've been driving for 27 years and I'm still stagnant. I have yet to see what my life could truly become because I've been in charge for so long. I know it won't be easy (I've led a pretty tight ship and I've got that calluses from gripping the wheel so long). So, the question is Now What? What do I do know? How do I let go?

Prayer: Lord, thanks for the spiritual awakening. Thanks for softening my heart. Thanks for not giving up on me despite all the mistakes that I have made. Forgive me Father for my sins known and unknown. Help me Father to let you take over my life. I know that when you are the captain that my life will have no bounds. I will begin to see all the greatness that you have stored up for me. Thank you oh Lord. All this I ask in your son Jesus name.

Amen

(see part 2 for another revelation).