The one thing I like about journaling in a notebook is that you can flip the pages and see what you wrote previously. It's not that simple when your writing on a blog. Anyway, I had a moment of reflection and shall I say 'backwardsness'. I know it's not really a word. I started to reflect on us and what we had and then started to get angry about the fact that I think I know who he is dating. (bad mistake...fbook is EVIL) lol. So, I read what I posted on Saturday and it spoke to me. I'm feeling a little better. I know that this is a journey and it will get easier as time progresses. I read in this book about how we get ahead of ourselves. If we were in a room and someone asked anyone who gets ahead of themselves to stand. I'd probably be the first one to jump up. Lol. Here I was dreaming about our future, our kids, our future jobs, where we would live, what our wedding would be like, me and his sister and mom hanging out. Yeah I know I had it bad. I bet he probably never thought of that. It's just like a girl whose been single for so long to get over excited when she finally meets someone. That's why it hurts. I realized when I broke up with Unspoken (lol, inside joke). I never dreamed of a future with us. For us it was mostly physical. I was yearning for the opportunity to have him want me and he never really showed me other than sexually that he desired to be with me. So basically, I never dreamed because there was nothing there to build a dream on. Well, it is the total opposite with Eddie and I. He helped to open the door of getting ahead of myself. He would tell me how he couldn't wait for me to be all his, he would rub my belly and talk about our future kids, he would say how blessed he was to be with me (now that I can agree with. :) ). He showed that he wanted all of me, mind, and body. Unfortunately, what we had was a failure to communicate and be absolutely honest. I believe that there are modern day Boazs but I also know that perfection is not going to be there. What I'd prefer to focus on is a man's character. Good looks are fine, having manners are great, but I need longevity, I need a guy who wants me bad enough that he will control his sexual desires because he knows it would be worth it in the end. Although my head knows it and my heart wants so bad to believe it. It still hurts occasionally because I really opened my heart to him. This is exactly why God tells us to guard our heart. I had the right intentions though. When we started dating I would pray for our friendship, but I apparently wasn't praying the right prayer and/or listening to the response because I got hurt anyway. Shucks. Well, I just told him that I don't think I can be his friend and he said the worst thing you could tell someone. He said okay. Really. Talk about a stab, puncture wound. To me that says ok I don't care any way, I have someone else sooo. Holla. (SCREAMING VERY LOUDLY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH)
Dear Lord, Help me.
In Jesus name,
Amen
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