I'm back again. Unfortunately with some not so great news. :) I want Eddie. So sad I know. One minute I don't want him in my life at all. The next I only want to be his friend. Then I want him. I'm so indecisive at times. Typical me. SMH. I feel like I just one the Lord to just tell me flat out. No he's not the one or yes he is. The only thing about that is...if he tells me he is not the one then I'll probably be dragging around mopping wondering why and when is the one coming. Or if he is I'd probably be harassing his nerve until he wants me back again. So...I don't know what to do. My heart aches like crazy. The prospects in this town are ultra slim. Before Eddie I hadn't met a guy in 5 years. (crying) To some its no big deal but to me its like where the heck do guys go and how the heck do I get their attention. I can't find them at my church. Mostly because everyone there is family and people barely come to our church from other places. Anyway, Titus and Tarrence have been trying to pursue me but I have to be honest. I'm not really feeling Titus. I'm not attracted to him nor do I enjoy talking to him on a level beyond friendship. As far as Tarrence goes, I'm not feelin the whole he has a child and he probably still a player like in high school. Main reason why I don't want to date anyone from Cross is because all I know is their high school version of themselves. Beyond that I don't know them so I can't say yeah I wanna be with you. There is a lot of your life I wasn't around for.
Anyway back to Eddie. Eddie and I are opposites in a lot of things. Most people see that as a accident waiting to happen. I on the other hand embrace the differences because it means I get a new perspective on how to approach life. I've always felt that the main things need to be the same, the rest not so much. Especially if both parties are willing to be open to new ideas and possibilities. Eddie is the first guy that I've been this "sprung" over (couldn't think of another word). I almost want a sneak peak into my future. Just to see who I ended up marrying and whether we were happy. I look at my cousins who are around my age and I see how the wife feels and I don't want to be like that. I love my cousin but I don't think he realizes how to be a husband. Especially since he hasn't had a good role model for a dad. All I can do is pray for their marriage. Pray that he realizes he is married and therefore he can not do what his single brother does.
OAN: This past Wed. we took family pics. It was a horrible experience for me. I felt out of place. (only single one) and no one acknowledged me basically the whole day. I felt more comfortable once I got around Lavette, Shantel, Kaliece and Sam. It's like I'm closer to them than my own family. I told Eddie I was going to run away. He said y? I told him about how I felt and he said oh? A man of so few words. SMH
I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish we could kiss and make up. :( In a fiction world we could. Just hug and kiss and then it would all be over. Can we just do that?
I need a explicit word. One that says yes or no. If it's yes, then I need some explanation of what I need to do until. If it's no, then I need some explanation of what I need to do until.
Dear Lord,
I know that you don't always tell us things. You hold back especially if you don't think we are ready and we might just mess it up. You know how my heart is feeling. I don't know what to do. Stay or move on. If you want me to move on. I need your help. Like I need it asap. I need to know that it's over and you are going to take all the pain away instantly and I'm not gonna think about him. It'll be like it never happened. I don't want be old (by my standards) living at home, working in the same job, and husband/childless. I'm so afraid because I don't know what to do. This is so so so so hard. Please help me.
In Jesus Name,
Amen.
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